500 jobs!" (The bottomless Things to do list)

A friend of mine, I say friend we job share a stapler every third Thursday of the month asked me how becoming a Dad might change his life.

I said and I meant this completely,that in my opinion it will make you a much wiser, harder working, appreciative, humble, compassionate, driven and basically best version of yourself.

I also said that it will probably make you a much more tired version of yourself. Someone who always smells ever so slightly of coffee, haribo and pooh. You may also become mildly obsessed about getting your money's worth.

"Bottomless coffee cups!"

"All you can eat Brazilian BBQ!!!!"

"All you can carry compost!"

"Darling we live in a top floor flat!

"Doesn't matter fill your pockets !"

He tried at several moments to get away but I boxed him in at the water cooler. I went on to say there will also suddenly be someone, usually about the size of a large melon who gets to decide how much sleep and therefore energy you have to live on, forever!

It's like telling someone that there's this Dragon outside that we really need you to go and fight. But to make it a bit more challenging you're only allowed to have slept in 45-90 minute chunks for last 4-5 years.Oh and you have to do it having only eaten leftover chicken nug nugs, you're also not allowed to talk like an adult anymore you have to sing everything.

"Oh and we're going to equip you with a plastic spoon and a small Petit Filous yoghurt, okay?"

That said I know that if I was given the option of my life now or a life on my own and with a remote control fully armed Apache helicopter and a flamethrower I would always choose the no sleep, lots of joy, lots of comedy and lots of plastic spoons option because that is the best way I can see to get your dragon on it's back. 

I hope you enjoy the song.

James

I hope you enjoy it and if there is a song you would like me to parody or a particular topic please let me know at middleclasswrapper@gmail.com.

"500 jobs!" (introducing the bottomless Things to do list)

When I wake up

Well I know there’s gonna be

There’s gonna be an endless list of jobs to do

And in the morning

when I’m trying to have a pooh

There’s gonna be someone whose gone and lost their shoe

And if I’m showering

Well I know there’s gonna be

There’s gonna be a self diognosis of flu

Something to savour

I be savouring a breakfast just to have the chance to sit and chew

Cos when I’ve 500 jobs

They’ll be replaced by 500 more

I want to be a man who gets to sleep a whole night in a bed

not someone elses floor

When I’m working

Well I know there’s gonna be

There’s gonna be lots and lots of lovely texts from you

And on my pay day

When I’m paid for what I do

It won’t get spent on anything for me or you

When I bike home, when I bike home

I know there’s gonna be

The same request for milk and bread from you

And a cold shoulder

I if don’t realise that also means get chocolate to!

Cos when I’ve 500 jobs

They’ll be replaced by 500 more

I’d like to be a dad

Who doesn’t get kicked in bed

Or kept awake by my daughters snore

I’m exhausted, I’m exhausted

But apparently not as tired as my wife

I’m exhausted I’m exhausted

But I wouldn’t change a thing about my life

When I’m sleeping

I know I’ll be a man

I’ll be the man whose being crawled upon by two

And when I wake up

I know its going to be

It’s going to be the familiar smell of pooh

When I go out

Well I know I gonna be

I know I’ll be the man whose stuck to his phone like glue

pissed before 9.30 and showing people pictures of a zoo

Our family’s bi monthly trip to the zoo

When I’ve done 500 jobs

They’ll just be replaced by 500 more

left alone do a pooh and the crossword not seeing a small hand

appearing under the door

I’m exhausted I’m exhausted

But apparently not as tired as my wife

I’m exhausted I’m exhausted

But I wouldn’t change a thing about my life

I’m exhausted I’m exhausted

But apparently not as tired as my wife

I’m exhausted I’m exhausted

But I wouldn’t change a thing about my life

And I would walk 5000 miles

Topdadding and walk 5000 more

If you’re doing best

 You’re Olympic gold like Sally Gunnell

You’re probably also the light at the end of several tunnels,

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Copyright James Macdonald 2018